GOD JOKES

GOD JOKES

http://jokecrunch.blogspot.com
http://jokeempire.blogspot.com

An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in
first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the
old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and
bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns
the light on for me."

The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes
into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?"
he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots
of energy and I'm not feeliing any pain." The doctor says, "That's
nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.

One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at
night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea
what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the
refrigerator again."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and
went to meet their maker.

The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about
yourself. Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate
importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most
important. God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come
and sit at my left hand".

God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton
responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most
important. God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at
my right hand".

God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God
asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?" Bill Gates responded " I
think you are sitting in my chair".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He
decided to help.

He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook
for you, be sweet to you, and understand you."

Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?"

The answer came back, "An arm and a leg."

"Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God
is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was
a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note,
"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster
dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its
back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad
our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his
legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down
from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad
came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad
we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your
bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air
screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for
Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between God and a social worker?

God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Susie was watching her father, a pastor, write a sermon.

"How do you know what to say?" she asked.

"Why, God tells me."

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his
wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her.

He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good-looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son."

The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem
ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so stupid?"

"So she could love you, my son."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Boy wanted to have sex with his girlfriend. But she was refusing all
the time. So he went to see his friend and asked him what to do about
it. His friend had a brilliant plan. He said: "Next time you meet her
under the tree behind your home. I will be up in the tree waiting for
you. If she refuses again you ask God in the heaven whether you can
have sex with her or not. And I will give the right answer to you and
her."

The days went by and one Saturday afternoon he met his girlfriend
again. They both went to that tree and he asked her to have sex. She
refused. So he said to her: "And, my dear, if I ask God in heaven,
would you follow his advise?" "Yes, I would" she said. So he asked:
"Father in heaven can I have sex with my girlfriend?" And the voice
from heaven said: "OK my friend, go ahead!" And so they had sex the
first time.

But the boy asked his friend to do him this favour every week, and he
did. But the last time when he asked God in heaven, the father
answered: "My dear friend below, step aside and let your father in
heaven have a go!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the
"uppity". Spotting the man's dirty clothes a deacon, worried about the
churches image, went to the man and asked him if he needed help. The
man said, "I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church."

The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he
might get a different answer. The next Sunday the man returned. The
deacon asked, "Did you get a different answer?"

The man replied, "Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don't want me
in that church and the Lord said, 'Don't worry about it son; I've been
trying to get into that church for years and haven't made it yet."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your mama is so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light",
he told her to move her fat ass out of the way.

--
www.igituba.org
www.althotgirls.com
www.laughingtonpost.com
www.myvagina.org
www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com